Four sessions of vaginal mapping in a long and detailed story of one brave woman
In February I set out on a journey that is changing my life in an incredible way every day. In a women’s support program (GIFEW), during one of the training courses, I met Denisa Říha Palečková, a professional in the area of love, intimacy and personal development.
It was she who told me for the very first time about vaginal mapping, its possibilities and the therapy. As it often happens when you hear about something new and unknown for the first time, it raised mistrust in me at first. Something hidden inside my vagina could have impact and importance for my life? However, a little seed of curiosity was now planted…
The first change in my perception occurred during a weekend retreat for couples that I attended with my husband. The atmosphere there was one of confidence, trust, quality information and practical exercises. During on of them, I experienced and fully realized the power of a body and its ability to perceive, process and remember our experiences and the emotions associated with them.
In the moment when I experienced first-hand what huge changes in perception can be achieved through a caring touch in an environment of trust and cooperation, I made a decision: I am going to go deeper. I want to do it mainly for myself, to make my life better.
To give you a clear picture of my decision: I was repeatedly abused as a child by members of our extended family and by other men as well. I had tried to cure this trauma with pharmaceuticals, and I was visiting a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I went for family constellations and spiritual response therapy. At this point in my life, I considered this trauma to be basically managed and subdued to the extent possible. But somewhere deep inside of me, I felt that my life still should and could be even much better…
I had not read much about vaginal mapping before I went for it. I wanted to remain without any expectations and perceive only what was happening to me. I booked three sessions in a row, one session per day, as it was recommended. I considered it reasonable. When the sessions follow one another the energy can flow continually. The body remembers more intensely and therefore it can progress faster in discovering the conjunctions and their treatment.
The trip to Tantra Spa in Prague wasn’t effortless. Among my thoughts were…
“What am I doing?”
“What came to my mind to do this??”
I am so ashamed…
“What will be happening there?”
“What will I feel and how should my face look like during that???”
All that was stirring in my head on my way to Prague. And even though I wanted to give up several times, something strong made me continue the journey.
Tara welcomed me. Dressed like a common woman, she seemed kind and open. Our first meeting started with an interview. She asked me what my trouble was, and if I wanted to cure something specific. She described to me the process of vaginal mapping roughly. I told her about what I had experienced and about my fear and anxiety of what is about to come.
Her words should have calmed me down. My mind trusted her but I remained tense and fearful. I was firmly decided to undergo this, but it didn’t help me to feel less frightened. I could not relax nor manage my fear and panic in any way.
Tara asked me to undress and lay down on a massage table. She herself changed her clothes which immediately made on me an impression of a therapist and my fear eased up a bit. My thoughts:
I am in the hands of a therapist… I can pretend that it is like by a gynecologist, it will be just a bit softer…
When Tara touched me and felt my frightened, tense body, she started to communicate with me. She asked how I felt her touches, and what I was thinking about. She was caressing my belly and I realized that… I felt nothing.
I felt her touch, but apart from that I felt nothing at all. The touch was neither pleasant, nor unpleasant, as if it weren’t there at all. Memories started to emerge in that moment…I am lying down and someone in my far past is touching me… I don’t want it and I don’t know what to do.. How do I say no? .. Who can I call to help me? … Therefore I am only lying as a dead body and I pretend that I don’t see anything, don´t feel anything, that it´s just not happening.
Other memories were emerging with each of Tara’s touches… I started to talk… “Yes, I remember now. This happened to me when I was small. Now I understand why it hurts sometimes. He touched me exactly like this. On these places. I didn’t want it so much… I didn’t know what to do.”
This kind of reaction is called “to freeze” therapeutically. A person’s responses to various stressful situations are different – flight, fight… or freeze. So my way of responding to stressful situations is to freeze. I didn’t look for a reason why and I am not looking for it now either. I take it as a fact which I would like to understand better and which I want to deal with through this therapy. To get to know myself better, to understand myself. Therefore I have decided to go further.
Tara touches me gradually on more and more places. Where I can feel something, I describe what am I feeling: What is important to me, and if I perceive the touch as pleasant or as unpleasant. When I perceive the touch as unpleasant, Tara´s task is to help me to free my body from displeasing memories and to teach the body to perceive softness, beauty and love through the touch. The worst moments are those when I feel nothing. I know that there is a strong experience behind that and these memories of each unpleasant situation from my childhood are gradually coming back to me.
In some moments, I feel like I want to vomit. In others, I feel strange and severe pain. Sometimes I feel just a deep sadness. Tara caresses me gently and I am talking freely about what I feel, about everything that is coming to my mind. I am not suppressing anything. I talk about everything I am dealing with. Sometimes the talk doesn’t make any sense – it’s just fragments of feelings and perceptions, thoughts and memories, on the psychological level and physical, too. I am not going into the details. I am just continually providing feedback to my therapist about my memories, what was unpleasant, or that I can feel something and I describe the type of the feeling.
Tara caresses me. Sometimes she asks me and it’s up to me if I confide to her. My negative emotions are gradually calming down and they leave. I ask myself whether they are gone forever.
I can clearly feel that through these memories and my re-experiencing them, I am slowly getting to understanding and acceptance. I am coping with long past experiences which I have hidden deep inside me from myself and from the whole world.
The next morning I didn’t want to go back there again at all. My body was feeling okay. Actually I had a lot of energy. What I lacked was a will and desire to go inside myself. I saw this as a signal that my body knows what is good for it, and therefore it is looking forward to therapy. However, my head is afraid of the change and fights against it. Mapping might start, though…
We worked on the right side of my vagina, spot after spot. I had very bad feelings in several places. I felt pain, and various memories were coming back to me. The memories didn’t contain just the rape itself, surprisingly. Memories from other periods of my life – times when I acted against myself – were also coming back to me. Especially when it concerned men. Like times when I didn’t want something internally, but in the frame of learned and embodied pattern, I thought that I could not do anything about it… and so absolutely against myself and my inner desires I stood quietly and just ‘survived’ an unwanted situation somehow. I thought there was no other possibility. That sexual intercourse is my obligation and the only way to keep a man’s love. That it was the only possible form of admiration which I can awake in them. That my opinion actually doesn’t matter so much… These and many other similar opinions… many that today I view as senseless and unbelievable. These were all coming back to me in various moments and were shaking with me.
However, I was prepared better this time. I had already guessed what awaits me because of the yesterday’s experience. Fully conscious, I followed myself, my feelings, my perception, and my body. I was giving them proper respect. Myself, my body, my feelings, desires… all these I took absolutely seriously! Perhaps for the first time in my life I was paying full attention to them. I considered them to by my partners, my allies, who were helping me to find my way through the feelings. I felt the way I saw the past I do not need and do not want to experience again…that there was another possibility.
I became an active and enthusiastic observer in my own school of life. I was looking at things that were happening on and in my body from another point of view I saw that it doesn’t have to be that way. I saw that all I had experienced hurt and influenced my life to a great extent, but that I have free will and the power to change it. I was inside me so much that I could even be above me. I don’t know how to describe it in other way. It is different when you switch yourself off, freeze, don’t exist somewhere. You don’t even feel what is happening, or what you feel. All you know is that your task is to endure and survive.
The ”school” I was at now was about something different. It was about experiencing the difficult moments consciously in the present, their re-experiencing and conscious being, coping with physical sickness, anxiety and disgust, and about leaving this situation to the past to which it belongs. That the knowledge that what was before doesn’t need to be again. That it may be different. That way how I want it and feel it. A fact that I experienced this knowledge on a conscious, emotional and physical level at the same time is probably the strongest moment of the healing.
We were working not only on the level of the body while we tried to release blocks through affirmations. We were also working with mind and soul. Since I was instructed that cooperation with the therapist during the massage ensures more intense and quality therapy, I tried my best and cooperated as much as I could. I was naturally doing what I just felt and perceived. I was massaging my own body often. I was hitting the parts which the energy was leaving from, filling them with sound, breath and love. I often got into deadly states. Always when I experienced or felt something strong that I thought I could not bear, my body cooled down totally and was like dead. I couldn’t understand. How is that possible? I felt life and flow of the energy inside, and the surface of my body was almost freezing. However I felt very clearly that the feeling of being cold wasn’t caused by low temperature in the room. And that was a damned success for me: To be able to distinguish when it is about me and the common physiological conditions, and when it is about experiencing of a strong emotion and intuition that I want to leave.
In spite of the intensive work we did, we did come across a block which couldn’t be removed. I don’t know how my therapist thought that it could be about an unborn child. Abortion. I wasn’t thinking about it at all, and I was locked in the mindset that “No, I don’t want this child, which arose from an abuse and against my will. I did that without a single hesitation. I thought that this experience was far behind me already, that it wasn’t worth any attention. It turned out to be key. In this moment of the bodywork I realized that it had frozen my heart. Finally I realized, that all the uncontrolled emotions, disappointments, guilt and sadness… all this had settled in me and didn’t allow me to feel, live and express feminine softness, tenderness, attention and love fully. My heart was like made of stone and I couldn’t help myself. I tried to make my body move, by massage, by breathing… with no effect. After several futile attempts, I didn’t believe anymore that I could make it. I was about to leave for that day and let it be. Perhaps it would go better tomorrow. Well, we did a good job today already…
Then it happened… My therapist became my child suddenly. My child who was standing in front of me and crying. My child who wanted to go to me. And my heart was so hard that it didn’t even want to accept it. The child was still standing there and crying. Standing and crying. Crying in front of me. The child told me that he loves me and that he only wants to be accepted. I felt it for the first time at that moment. My heart moved. At first just a little bit. Carefully. It stopped, frightened for a while. And then love started to fill it up. Endless love, becoming bigger and better with every other accepted person. I understood that I can be a tender woman and mother and I understood, in particular, that my love is endless. That my baby didn’t do anything bad, wasn’t guilty of anything. It wanted to come and to be loved. And I couldn’t perceive it in my blindness and pain. I was so sorry.
I walked away sad from this therapy. I got some important homework: To be with myself and my re-accepted baby. To make a nice day for the two of us and to light a candle for him and meditate with his soul at the same time. I got home totally exhausted. Tired, sad, inside of me somehow strangely. On the way home I bought a nice candle, pink with small butterflies. I wasn’t able to do anything else except this. I wanted to light the candle and meditate. I was looking for the matches desperately and really couldn’t find them anywhere. Sad and exhausted, I fell asleep. I slept through all afternoon, evening and night.
I woke up next day in the morning totally exhausted physically. The first thing I saw were the matches. They laid close to the candle. Another set was a short distance from the first ones. More matches were on another commode and in my handbag I found my lighter… I rather didn’t think anything.
My body was totally exhausted, but my head was full of resolve and energy, completely opposite of yesterday’s feelings. I arrived to the Spa early surprisingly. My therapist had a candle, sweet freesias and angel cards prepared for me. A special music that sounded like chorales from another world caressed my wounds.
I chose a card “solar plexus chakra.” It said: “Angels want to remind you that nobody controls you and no one can control you without your permission. You always have a choice and angels will help you to make your decisions. They will also help you to get a stronger feeling of control in your life and your spiritual gifts.” The second card was the card “Archangel Michael.” Its connotation: “If you are confronted with something that scares you and makes you anxious, Michael will encourage you and support you. Michael is a being that takes a fear away from you and protects you and your loved ones.”
Tara´s card was Mediumita…“this card is a sign that you are connected to one or more loved ones in heaven. Angels ask you to trust your feelings, thoughts and inner picture concerning these connections because they are true. For you and for others it has big healing power because through these connections the messages of heavenly calm and love are being transferred.”
Well, do not believe in a magical power of universe then…
Tara asked me again how I felt, if something unusual came to my mind, if there is something that I would like to deal with? I told her exactly how it came to my mind that I was thinking of my father in some context. It wasn’t anything specific, I just felt that I was thinking of him.
Vaginal mapping went more or less well. Some places were insensitive and blocked, pulling out some specific memories. Today the memories were not about abuse but about my life. Some unpleasant memories came back to me and I was taking leave of them. With a gentle massage inside and outside, with breathing and affirmations we were gradually releasing them to the past. We faced only one big block. As Tara touched me inside, severe pains of abdomen and later also shoulder pain appeared, all on the right side, as if someone was stabbing me with a sword.
And suddenly it all came together… Father – sword – right side – impalement all the way from the shoulder down… Something in the male line and in the male side of my body was being cleaned. We were taking the sword out for a long time, the wound was bleeding… festering. Finally I had the feeling that my right side was totally free. The energy and life was freely flowing through it. Even my right nostril felt emptier. At that moment I realized that the left side was different. There was still something…something that still needs to be caressed, pet, woken up. I knew that three sessions just were not enough. There was something left there even though I didn’t exactly know what.
We arranged another session, a fourth one. I left for home calm and relaxed. I made myself a nice day. I had a good lunch. I bought a nice book. By the way, something had changed.
Suddenly, I flew.
Slowly, gracefully, feminine. Someone who knows me well would describe as a quick and dynamic person for sure. Sometimes even hurry scurry. This time it was different. I slowed down. I felt well and beautiful in my body. The world suddenly had sharper and brighter contours. My hands were softer and gentler. I felt a maternal protective energy in them now. Have I really changed…?
I was looking forward to our meeting. I was sure that we would do a nice last massage, everything to complete my vaginal clearing. What happened though I didn’t expect in my wildest dreams.
Tara explained to me that we were going to map on the deepest level. I foolishly thought that I would not feel anything at all in the depths of my vagina. How far that was from the truth…
It started from the very beginning. Anger toward all men. I thought in my mind that the anger was a bit irrelevant. It was present there so intensely that I had to sit down. Anger for they were often violent, arrogant, hard, and without any respect for women. Fortunately the anger went away quickly and turned into … love. Other places were a little better, some of them completely okay. I even admitted that I felt pleasure and I enjoyed it! And then it hurt. Dull pain deep in the underbelly. Tara found a knob. It was hard. And it started to pour it out of me… It´s not me.. it’s an anger to myself or my life. What can it be down there? What is it what I can feel?? Yes, it´s an ancestry…a whole ancestry from our male line. All the women who suffered from rapes, incests, humiliation. I felt anger, sadness and guilt. I was about to cry… Then I began to connect the circumstances with Tara… Yesterday we were pulling a sword out of this place. Today we have found a knob there. Father’s line. Rapes in their family… my uncles. Right side. The male side of myself. Everything was suddenly so clear. My father´s surgeries, all on the right side of his body. Cancer on the right side of his body… Other circumstances will certainly come to my mind…
Even now when I am writing I am crying. Life, our mind, our bodies, experiences, people around us, everything is closely connected. These connections are hidden in our thoughts, characters and acts but also in our bodies.
We go on mapping… severe pain like something is burning and cutting me… The pain is very intense… I can’t find any other connection, I don’t have any idea. The pain is stronger and stronger. All of a sudden it is moved to my mouth. My tongue is being cut off and I am seared… I am saying something. I shout. I have so many things to say… To men.. To women.. They are afraid of me. They are afraid of my power and my opinions. They feel that I am telling truth and I can’t bear it. That´s why they harm me. To put me down, to stop me… The pain is very strong. The strange thing is that I feel the blood accumulating under the burned lesion. It can’t flow because the skin is burned. Without any logic it starts to accumulate in my cavities, in the muscles under the lesion and to create polypuses… I understand, this is where from the polypuses in my uterus are coming from… This is the reason why they grew up. Experienced pain and wounds, which were not about to be healed… I am opening it, healing it. Tara is helping me…
A few more words and it is over. Tara checks all the spots step by step and I feel peace and quiet. We say goodbye to each other. Experiences enabled by our sessions are very strong for both of us. We both believe that my life will be different from now on. We are looking for every other experiences to come.
During the sessions we discovered some facts with Tara:
Would this be enough already, or wouldn’t it?
You can book your vaginal mapping session here.
You can attend vaginal mapping course.